So, yeah, I don’t expect people to understand it because they’d have to live it, but maybe now that I told you all this you won’t judge it in a negative way.
This is an open letter in which a friend of us, L., explains what she feels when she is tied up.
For me, the following is one of the best descriptions of the flow that explodes in the mind when you practice Kinbaku in a deeper way.
L., at the beginning, did not know anything about kinbaku but managed to grasp aspects that very often remain incomprehensible in the mind of those who are tied up and it is for the touching and extremely explanatory words that we decided, together with her, to share these thoughts
“I don’t expect people to understand why I do it.
It’s dark, it’s dangerous both physically and mentally. Many consider it abuse even if you tell them over and over that you WANT it done to yourself. They think that you need psychological help just because you think you like something this strange and “out of this world”. I mean, how could someone want to be humiliated like that? How could someone like to be forced in certain exposing positions with rope digging in your skin and pulling at your hair?
But I do, a lot.
This might seems strange but, it actually helps me accept myself for who I am, as a human being.
I like exploring my darkest bits, feeling exposed against my will, in ways I don’t feel comfortable with.
Because they are parts of me as powerful as the “socially acceptable” ones, the “happy” ones. I’d say even more so, maybe because it’s considered so unacceptable.
When you are fighting for your breath, your body trembling with physical and mental exhaustion, your limbs numb because of the ropes cutting blood circulation, you feel utterly powerless, you see your own saliva dripping out of your gagged mouth and hear the rigger making fun of you because of it and you can’t help it: you can’t do anything but accept your situation and you know you put yourself into it in the first place, now you just need to resign and face it.
But you know? As a human being, this is part of yourself. You are both good and bad, and I don’t mean as a person. I mean you are both good sensations and bad sensations.
Why should you be afraid of it if you can work on it?
I believe that since I’ve started being tied I’ve grown more humble with myself and towards others.
I begun understanding many things primarily on myself: I’ve grown more tolerant, more patient, I have started knowing my body better. But also, I think I’ve learned more about people in general: there is good and bad in them too and I did not realize that before. Everything was about me. My world evolved on how I was feeling, but I wasn’t really feeling. Everything was very superficial, I know that now.
Ropes made me understand that there is a much deeper level to things, my world has suddenly become infinite, because I’ve been exploring this infinite, deep, deep part of my inner being that projects me towards the world, towards the people around me and makes me understand them better, ropes make me pay more attention.
I get the feeling that people think that this activity lowers your self esteem, makes you feel unworthy or even makes you believe that you are not a person anymore and I don’t blame them for thinking such a thing. There were moments in which I thought these things myself but I can assure you now that this is not the case. Not for me anyways.
Yes, you feel heavily humiliated, you suffer, you struggle, you feel pain and so much more but If you manage to let go, accept the suffering, resign to the humiliation, and enter the “maze” that is your inner self and really FEEL, you will understand what feeling alive really means.
My heart speeds a bit just thinking about it, excitement running through my veins writing this down. Everything expands, time and space don’t exist anymore, they merge into a different dimension that is solely in your inner self.
In this dimension words aren’t needed, they aren’t even contemplated. Maybe that’s why I always find myself in trouble when they ask me to describe what happens.
I’ve worked hard on finding the words that could get as close as possible, and it sounds cheesy, but here it goes: it is almost like your soul is being ripped apart and all its nasty contents, together with the good things, just pour out in a massive wave and you try riding it, you try to keep your head out of it but, just like a tsunami, it drowns you.
Everything within you, in a gigantic mess of good and bad, explodes from you, in you. You feel it expanding inside of you, and you are infinite.
You don’t see, you don’t hear, you just FEEL. And sometimes you’ll snap out of it for a few seconds and stare right in your rigger’s eyes, he knows you’re in there, he is watching you, taking it all from you and you are too weak to protest and just stop caring. You surrender, giving in your last barriers and start floating in your inner self again, this time there are no waves, the violence of it is over and everything is slowly going back inside your soul and what you feel is peace.
You are left spent, bone weak, disoriented, shaking but oh so peaceful.
There are times though in which you are left disturbed, you don’t get to the peaceful stage. You feel sad and heavy and brooding. You find yourself staring at the ceiling trying to figure out why you feel this way. These times are even more insightful, you learn even more.
There is nothing else that I know that makes me feel more alive. Not even music, and you know all about what music does to me.
So, yeah, I don’t expect people to understand it because they’d have to live it, but maybe now that I told you all this you won’t judge it in a negative way.”